Final thoughts for today...

This morning, I talked to my uncle. He told me that my Paw should be put in a room sometime this afternoon! He told me to call around 2:00, that I should be able to talk to my Paw then. Of course, I really wanted to talk to him! In addition to it being his birthday, it would be my first time to talk to him since his surgeries. Ray and I ended up getting out to run a few errands. We got home about 3:30. There was a message on my answering machine. It was my Paw! He said, “Are you taking care of my great-grandchild?! You didn’t even call to wish me a happy birthday!” Notice that he finally said great-grandCHILD rather than great-grandson! He’s coming around! ;) But if it does end up being a boy, he will say he was saying great-grandson all along because he knew it was a boy! :) He is something else! I called him as soon as I finished listening to his message. He sounded a tad bit weak but sounded GREAT! Like I suspected, he was really ready to get of ICU and into his own room. That means a lot less lying around and being dependent…now that is more like my Paw! :) I asked him if he is eating solid food yet. He said he is, that he has eaten everything they have brought him today – rice, chicken, black-eyed peas, etc. I was so happy to hear it! He said, “You didn’t even call me on my birthday!” I said, “I am calling you now! I’ve been waiting on you to get a room!” He said, “Oh, okay” and kinda laughed. :)

Honestly, while Paw was still in the darkness, I thought about not being without him. I kept asking myself how I could go without hearing his voice again or receiving the tightest, most familiar hug from him. I was really scared. The night before his surgery, I had a talk with my Granny. I asked her to watch over him and care for him. My answer from her was a feeling of reassurance, warmth, care, and love. Then, I told her that I hope she had not put in a request to have him with her, that he is so needed here. I told her I can’t live without him – at least not now. I felt very understood and again, surrounded by warmth, care, and love. I asked what the reasoning would be if he was told it was time to go. Instantly, I received an answer. Not in her voice, but I know the answer was from her. The first reason is because he is very tired and not able to care for himself. Basically, he just isn’t as happy as he once was. That is one thing I cannot argue with. It is the complete truth. The second reason I was given is that she might need my Paw there with her to help pass our baby to us in February. I wanted to argue because I want my Paw here to celebrate our baby’s arrival…but I didn’t. I couldn’t argue because she knows much better than I what needs to happen. But I must admit that I spent the next few days worrying that my Paw just might go to be with my Granny.

Pacemakers have this stigma. I always thought people who get them don’t last long. That may have been the case years ago. If so, I’m hoping it has changed. I know my Paw won’t last forever. None of us will. But as I said, I need my Paw here right now. Maybe between now and when he goes, I will figure out how to better deal with it….but probably not. It is just a nice thought.

To conclude this blog, I want to just say Happy Birthday to my Paw once again. I wish he weren’t in a hospital on his birthday. And I wish I were celebrating with him. But he is in a hospital, and I’m not there to celebrate with him. But today, I’m celebrating him – in my own way. I am so thankful that he is not only my grandfather but also a great friend. :)

~"Tish"