Life is about change. Very little is a “constant”… one should hold on tight to those dear people and treasured things that have been around for a long time and most likely won’t go anywhere.
I don’t think anyone can say they don’t experience or at least witness some kind of change – big or small – on a daily basis. Needless to say, an unexpected change can cause devastating results. I have been there many times. But I must say I surprise myself. I either do a good job of not only recovering but coming out stronger or I realize the change I couldn’t prevent was actually for the best.
I know many people who fear change. Well, they may not want to admit they fear it. But they do. Instead, they dare anyone or anything in their lives to change. I have heard several people declare they have worked too hard to create personalized, as perfect as possible conditions to have the world as they know it disturbed by change! I hear their cries, but I do find that funny.
For the most part, I find change refreshing and exciting! Even when a change scares me, it excites me! Maybe I am weird. Weird or whatever, it has helped me have a better attitude towards change I have no control over… everything from not panicking when I feel taken off guard to actually going with the flow and finding the possibilities that a change can bring.
Now with all that being said, watch something huge head my way. That is how things work right? :)
As I look back at my life – whether in the last six months or the last six year, so many things have changed. One of those changes was tremendous. I would even call one earth-shattering. First, I was completely blindsided, and the big change seemed to snowball. And long before I found a way to deal, that snowball of change divided into a thousand small snowballs of change. SOMEHOW, I survived. At times, the actual process of wading through each day after the unwelcome changed invaded my world is a blur. All I know is that I persevered. The change did not conquer me an I feared it might. I can’t tell you how many times I felt I was stuck and had no choice but to surrender. It seemed that letting the change (and all it’s offspring) plow me over was easier, quicker, and less painful than living in my cold, dark world alone, wondering how I’d make it through the next hour.
And needless to say, my life has been enriched by awesome things and wonderful people. In the last 10 years, I met my soul mate, merged my life with his, and started a family. We are now on this amazing journey on a never-ending path – me, Ray, Grayson, and Zander.
Another big changed that happened a year or so ago is me losing my dad. Well, I didn’t lose him, I guess. I never have really “found” him because he’s never found himself. I guess the best way to say it is that I rid of him. I had done it several times before but would change my mind after a while. The reasons for that fluctuated between guilt and me feeling dependent on my father. His mind games lead me into this warp zone where I felt I couldn’t be a successful person or possibly couldn’t survive without him.
I lose many daytime hours of enjoyment and many much needed hours at night trying to find my way out. But it didn’t take me long to realize how easy finding the exit was. The hard part was finding the courage to walk through that door…and not go back inside. I was locked inside the gates of hell so long that the beautiful, happy world outside I knew existed and longed for became more and more intimidating. I wondered if I had the make-up to survive in such freeing conditions. It’s almost as if I feared failing in the good place and being thrown back in hell with my father. I hate to say it, but that’s where it seemed he wanted me – rotting right there next to him.
Several special folks, specifically my mom and Ray, were so generous with their love, showered with me with never-ending support, offered advice when I was receptive to it (and got bitten when I wasn’t), always encouraged me to do what was best for me, had a huge role in building my confidence, and helped me see the big picture clearly when I was drowning in all the clouds composed of that particular moment’s dramatic details. They helped me get to a point I thought was unreachable.
Then, our beautiful, innocent, perfect son entered the picture. From the good place, with him, he carried the answer. On February 9th, the moment I saw him, I fell in love with him the way I have always longed for my father to love me…not because I was “supposed to”…because it was natural, effortless, and gave me this warmth and tingle, backed by a state of euphoria that couldn’t be turned off.
I want to give Grayson anything and everything he needs and all I can that he wants. Again, not because that’s what a mother is suppose to do but because I want the best for Grayson. It’s sad, but I remember my father treating me best and speaking highly of me when in others’ presence. His “love” for me was a presentation rather than a genuine, heartfelt expression. Personally, I do NOTHING with Grayson “for show”. I love him so much and express it without holding back. I won’t ever do it any other way. It isn’t ever pre-meditated. It just happens. No shows here, but of course, I’m more than willing for anyone to witness my love for him. One thing I’d love people to say about me when my time on earth has expired is, “Tish was a lover. She was mad about her family – her husband and her two boys”.
I know both Grayson and Zander will make mistakes and will have to learn from them…and that they’ll get some unfair dealings in life just as everyone does. I realize that there will most likely be times when they feel doomed, but it is mine and Ray’s job to teach them to be strong, for those times will indeed pass. I want nothing more than for Grayson and Zander to live long, happy lives. Mine and Ray’s goal is to give them the best start possible and help them launch when they are ready.
One very important basic in life is knowing how to love and be loved. It sounds simple, but for some, it isn’t. I believe it starts with good examples. Ray and I do not have the perfect relationship, but it is a very good one – very healthy. Grayson and Zander will not only witness a great marriage but also an awesome friendship. Our boys will grow up in a happy home filled with lots of smiles and laughter.
Do you know I used to get scolded for laughing and having fun? My father always told me that being noisy was annoying and being giggly was immature. If I haven’t heard “Act your age, not your shoe size” once, I’ve heard it 1,000 times. Thing is, he wasn’t happy with me acting my age either. He wanted a young adult rather than a child. I was discouraged for being a kid as long as I can remember. I feel sad when I think about that (and so many other things about my childhood). The good news though is that history will NOT repeat itself.
My dad always liked to brag on himself because he stopped “the cycle of abuse”. His dad beat him. I’m very thankful my dad never once laid a hand on me. However, he did inflict abuse upon my mother and I. I would definitely describe it as a severe case of emotional abuse. He was/is a sick individual that gets a thrill from controlling, intimidating, and hurting others. It’s called having the upper hand.
We are teaching Grayson to respect us, and we will do the same with Zander. We are their parents. But rather than controlling them, we want to teach and guide them. Neither of us have an idea of what we want them to become. We will love, guide, teach, and support them as they discover who they are and what they want from life. It sucks growing up feeling like you’re never good enough. I made good grades (honor roll) but was always told I could do better. I made good decision but never exactly as my father would. So, therefore, I constantly received criticism. I now know I couldn’t have made him happy unless I was a miniature him rather than Letisha Michelle. Having unrealistic expectations of a child is not just unfair – it is WRONG. No matter how Grayson and Zander choose to style their hair or what career path they choose, they will never be a disappointment to us. We love them unconditionally. It all began the moment we knew they existed – long before we met them…and it won’t ever end.
Before Grayson was born, I made plans for him to have a radically different upbringing than what I had. I would do all I could to protect him from the world and for sure wouldn’t ever cause him any kind of pain myself. Recovery from such torment is tough (to say the least). Somehow, I not only made it but found a way to thrive. I must say I’m proud of myself.
Gray helped me realized how toxic my father was and still is. In recent years, he began to acknowledge his wrongdoings here and there but never seemed sincerely remorseful. Like everything else, it seemed he went through the motions (of acknowledging and halfway apologizing to me) because he felt he should. And needless to say, the mere thought of my father ever somehow hurting my children in any way (or anyone for that matter) makes my blood boil. He might have f’ed with me but won’t with Grayson or Zander. He’d have to kill me first. And that wouldn’t be easy. I’d put up one hell of a fight.
So, a little over a year ago, I ride my life of my father completely. The change hasn’t been as difficult as it was in the past. I think it was something I needed to do long ago but simply wasn’t ready. Now, I feel much healthier emotionally. I am now experiencing the freedom I’ve always daydreamed about. I feel my life is really mine and there is no interference. What an AWESOME feeling!
You might be wondering where Zander comes into play considering he isn’t here with us just yet. Well, he reinforces the decision I made. Every now and then, I check in with myself to make sure I still feel good about not having my father in my life. 9 times out of 10, the answer is yes, definitely. But occasionally, something like my dad’s birthday coming up in less than a week makes me feel a little unsure. But all it takes is a talk with Ray, one glance at Grayson, or a movement from Zander. Ya know, my dad has a 30 year jump on Ray and a 60 year jump on Grayson and Zander when it comes to life experience. What’s sad is that Ray, Grayson, and Zander are already much more of a man than my father will ever be.
I can’t help but wonder what it’s like to be my dad. Miserable, I assume. But it is by choice. When you don’t learn how to love and allow others to love you, life can be nothing short of a living nightmare. I can’t imagine simply existing. Life offers too many wonderful opportunities. I’ve always said the theme song of life is “Things change”. My dad will change in a matter of days. He will be another year older – 58 to be exact. It sure would be great if he found his way this year, but I’m pretty darn sure he won’t. That would require effort on his part and maybe even hard work. Instead, he’d rather wait for the ultimate change, “the transition” as he calls it. He says he is right with God and that one day when he’s freed from this life, he’ll finally have found peace and happiness. Until that glorious day, all he can do is wait. Isn’t it funny how we all live on the same land, are under the same sky, and are provided light by the same sun but all lead such different lives?
Sometimes I find it hard to believe my father genuinely wanted me to find happiness in life. As bad as it sounds, I kinda think it may have been more of a “misery needs company” situation. But I had my own ideas. I not only destroyed his plans but left him behind. I look back and there he is. But as time passes, he becomes a faded image that gets smaller…and smaller…and smaller. Beside me is my beautiful family – my husband and my two sons. And when I look ahead, I see all the wonderful things we’re headed towards.
My life would be incomplete without Grayson and Zander. How and why my dad doesn’t need me or want me, I don’t know…and I don’t think I’ll ever have an answer. I got from underneath him and his teachings, found happiness, made a life for myself, and continue to thrive. Maybe if I would’ve been a college graduate I’d be worthy of his love and acceptance. Or maybe he’d be proud of me if I were a rich and famous pro golfer. OR maybe if I wouldn’t have gotten married and lived with him all my life as he encouraged me to, I’d be a “good daughter”. The little girl he tried so hard to train and mold, grew up, formed her own thoughts and ideas, gained strength, and stayed strong. He can pride himself all he wants to for being half responsible for my existence and providing me with food, clothing and shelter for 17 years. But he won’t ever be able to say he and I shared a special bond or had any kind of parent/child connection.
Today and yesterday, after lunch and before his nap, I held Grayson for a few minutes (until I could no longer than G’s weight and Zander’s kicks). He giggled as he played with my hair. I kissed his neck until his giggles became hard laughter. A few times, he even snorted! :) We have a LOT of fun together!
Being a parent can be downright hard sometimes but loving a child is so easy. Grayson and Zander will grow up, but they’ll always be our boys. And I can guarantee I’ll never give them a reason to want to rid their lives of me. Their dad and I will be a permanent on their list of constants.
And in conclusion, I say out loud:
These are my thoughts. I choose to express them today. The facts are real. I really exist in a world of good. No one is going to take anything from me. I am very happy with myself, those around me, and how I choose to live my life. Everyone should seek this kind of peace.
~T.T.
LIFE
A time to remember
There is a Chinese saying, "you can do it big, or you can do it small.", meaning that money/extravagance don't always equate to perfection. With a small budget and short prep time, my dear wife did an awesome job to put together a wonderful celebration party.
She made homemade jambalaya (slaved over the kitchen stove for 2 hours), my favorite, blew up 20+ balloons with her prego lungs, ordered special imported beers, put little champion stickers on all the napkins and cups, and ordered a beautiful, creative cake tailored for me. See below:
Cool isn't it? Tish worked hard on getting the image to work correctly. And she did lots on research on recipes, bakery, and beer to make sure all turn out just right. Well it did just that. I was so impressed with EVERYTHING.
To top that, Tish wore this shirt that she had purchased for a long time, planning to wear it on my special day...
So sweet huh? Anyway, I had a great time. More than I could ever imagined.
Go here for a few more party pics: http://heartse.smugmug.com/photos/swfpopup.mg?AlbumID=5543690&AlbumKey=t4xDH
Thank you, my love.
Killed the beast!
I DID IT!
After crawling through 9 treacherous exams, I am finally an architect! Passing the ARE has been a goal of mine for a long time. It has been a albatros for me for a while. In reality, it does not mean that I am a better person/worker/designer than before. It is more like a piece of paper that proves I worked hard on 9 hard exams and that I am "officially" capable to practice architecture. Getting licensed is very much like getting a diploma. It does not matter how knowledgable and smart you are, unless you have the piece of paper, it is hard to get respect.
It feels good to get it over with! All the long hours and stress the exams put me though! I was flooded with warm congrats after I announced to my friends and family. Tish was so happy for me when I delivered the news, she was filled with tears of joy. I was so touched by that.
I am definitely excited about it, but I think it will sink in a lot more once I get the certificate/registration and have it framed up on the wall.
Again, I want to thank all that has played a part in some way, form, or shape in my road to licensure. Especially Tish for putting with my long nights of studying, and my mom for working her butt off to put me through college. I am so very grateful.
Ray
he'll soon be on his way
My aunt called my yesterday evening. We talked about so many things as we always do. She talked about my dad leaving for Puerto Rico today. She said my grandfather is really upset. I figured he'd miss him, but I had no idea just how upset he was. My aunt heard my grandfather cried when my dad left him (from a visit) yesterday afternoon.
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A few minutes after she and I hung up, I called my grandfather. I asked him how his visit was with my dad. He said it was good. To my surprise, without and prodding from me, he told me how worried he is about my dad. I told him he shouldn't worry, that my father is going because he really wants to. I said, "I bet he's beside himself tonight because he's so excited about leaving tomorrow!" My Paw said, "He's not excited as I thought he'd be." I said, "Oh really? Why?" He said, "I don't know...I really worry about him". I felt so bad for him. Doesn't every parent hope that their child will one day make good sound adult decisions, especially by the time that child is nearly 60 years old?! He added, "Your dad knows a few people he met on his last trip there. They will pick him up from the airport. But he's not sure where he'll be, who he'll be with, or anything". I said, "I know, Paw. That is how he likes to travel. That is him". He said, "All your dad is bringing is one little nap sack with a few pieces of clothes in it". I said, "I know, Paw". He said, "It's dangerous". I said, "I know, Paw. And all he has is his stupid cell phone. Did he tell you he has your number in his wallet incase of an emergency?" My Paw said, "I don't know...he should". This is very important because my dad has had several major seizures. One time, he had a seizure in church and the lady found the emergency number he had written down in his wallet. It was mine. She called me in a panic. It sure was strange hearing from someone I didn't know about my father being in the hospital.
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Anyway, my grandpa and I were saying that if his cell phone and wallet get stolen, it's bad news. No one would know where he is. He isn't staying anywhere in particular - or even with a certain person. When I think about it all, it scares me. As Ray says, my dad is a drifter. What's weird is that he doesn't have a good sense of fear. It isn't that he's tough like my grandfather. I believe my grandfather can face nearly anyone or anything. He is rugged old cowboy tough if you know what I mean. But my dad is different. He fears things, but he refuses to do anything about it. Actually, he tries to suppress the feeling and be cool. It doesn't make sense, I know. He will stay in a dangerous situation just so he can live to tell about it. THAT is what worries me and my family. The difference with me though is that I find peace knowing that he wants nothing more than to be there and that he always does what HE wants to do. No one is forcing him to do anything. But I think if I were 78 years old (like my grandfather), I would be just as upset as he is about my dad leaving and his style of travel.
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I don't regret my blog entry yesterday. That is really how I feel. But after talking to my aunt and especially my grandfather, I also became worried and kinda upset. Both of them are very concerned something might happen to my dad. I see their point. Something very well could happen, but really, there's nothing we can do about it. My dad is a grown man. He is going to do what he wants to do. He gets a thrill off living on the edge/flying by the seat of his pants. In my opinion, being adventurous is fun, but being stupid is...well, STUPID.
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This morning, I'm thinking about my dad and wonder if how he's feeling about his travels over the next 3 months. I can't help but wonder if he has a plan to party it up or mellow out. I'm guessing he has plans to come home and continue living. I know that sounds weird, but what if he has a plan to end his life in paradise (or what he thinks of as paradise)? Not many people have worries like mine about their parents I wouldn't think...or I hope not at least. But they are all legit. My dad is someone to wonder and worry about. You never know what he's up to. Sometimes I wonder if the little ways he tries to cheat life are both thrilling and a secret wish that his wrong move would cause the game to be over.
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I hate seeing my Paw so upset. It upsets me. And also, I hate that my dad is so damn irresponsible. I don't want him to hurt himself, but if he does, it is because he willingly marched into a dangerous situation. What pisses me off is how he hurts others, specifically his dad and me. He's selfish.
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I wish my dad safe travels. I'm sure I will hear some details about his trip over the next three months. And I'm sure many things I hear will make me shake my head in disbelief. Although, I must say the stories I heard from his last few trips are hard to top.
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The fact is that my dad will probably be fine. I have no idea how, but he finds a way to survive. His friends have been taken out one by one over the years due to various forms of bad decision making. He is like the only standing soldier. I hope his luck continues. But because I know nothing is for sure in life, I am worried - and I'm trying like hell to make myself accept that he may or may not come back home. After talking to my grandfather, it seems my dad is also aware that his travel plans are not the safest. Still, he is rocking on.
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Gone, gone, gone...
I heard from my grandfather that my dad leaves for Puerto Rico tomorrow. I’m glad he’ll finally be gone. As I said, him being away keeps me from worrying he’ll invade my world. Besides, I’m glad he’s leaving because he wants to be there. Actually, I believe there’s no place he’d rather be. He loves the spirit of the land and seems to strive to be like a native – well, as much as he possibly can. Puerto Rico provides him a completely different way of life than he’s used to. Also, it offers him a place to hide from his family, his on again/off again friends and girlfriends, and most of all, his problems.
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I imagine he is beside himself with excitement today. I don’t necessarily think Puerto Rico is where he should be, but I am happy for him. If you had heard him talk about his travels there, you’d think that is where he’d like to call home (rather than Louisiana, where he has lived for nearly 60 years and claims to love so much).
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I do think it is strange that my dad is going away – still in our country but “away” – for 3 months. But really, I’m won’t have to find a way to deal with his departure. My dad hasn’t ever been consistently present in my life. He’s that to the left, to the right, down on the ground, up in the air, here today, gone tomorrow type. And really, even the times he was there, he wasn’t necessarily there if you know what I mean.
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Anyway, as I was saying, you should hear my dad speak of Puerto Rico and tell stories of his travels (food he ate, the people he met, the sights he took in, etc). Anything and everything about Puerto Rico seems to have such a peculiar but tremendous effect on him. I don’t think I’ve ever heard him speak about anyone or anything with such passion.
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Maybe he should move there as he has spoken of doing several times over the last few years. Maybe that’s where he should be permanently. Maybe that’s where he feels understood and accepted. Maybe Puerto Rico is magical…maybe it enables him to live a life where he feels complete. Do you think that place somehow transforms all of the wrong he’s done to right? Or that maybe it taught him how to believe with all of his heart and soul that his character flaws are not flaws at all…instead, they make him the beautiful person he is and to say “F you” to all those that disagree? All I know is that Puerto Rico is near and dear to his heart. That place and its people have found a way to connect with my father in ways that no one or nothing else has. With that being said, I must congratulate Puerto Rico. She has breathtaking beauty and extraordinary composition that cannot be surpassed or even matched. She has won my father’s heart. Personally, I think he should devote the rest of his life to her and credit her for any and all happiness he claims to have found. Without her, he is lonely and lost. I might sound bitter, but I truly am happy they found each other.
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If you would like to read about Puerto Rico, the best place in my father’s world, click HERE.
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Until next time, adios amigo.
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I heard from my dad...
in my dream.
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He called me. I should've been surprised because he doesn't have my number in real life (and he shouldn't have in the dream). But since my dad is an expert at uncovering hidden information, I guess I was more focused on why he was calling rather than how he got my number.
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He said, "Hey, it's me". I hadn't heard his voice in 9 months or so. Hearing his voice was kinda nice in a way (something I'm so familiar with), but it also sent a chill up my spine. I was very curious why he was calling me all of the sudden.
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In response to his greeting (that wasn't too friendly), I said, "Hey". He said, "I don't know how to handle this situation. Do I just wait to hear from you?" I said, "It's simple - you just don't call me".
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The dream pretty much ended there. I know - not much content - not much to interpret. I think maybe I just wanted to hear my dad's voice (in real life), but since I want no more than that, I heard from him via a dream.
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I wish it were a matter of my dad only mistakes in the PAST and me having to figure out a way to forgive him in order to move towards the future. It isn't. He and I having a relationship again would require me to accept him for all that he is, which I refuse to do. It isn't that I'm trying to prove a point. At first, I hoped my decision would encourage him to make major changes. But it didn't take long to see he wasn't willing to do that. Therefore, the decision I made is primarily to protect myself and my family from him. He is my father. In some ways, I do love him. And I am grateful to him for being what he was for me. While he didn't give me all I needed/wanted, he gave me basics that I needed. Many people don't get that from their parents. BUT the simple fact is: My dad is toxic. He's destructive towards himself and others (including those he supposedly loves). I don't mean physically destructive. I mean emotionally destructive.
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Here and there, I check in with myself. I ask myself if I feel I've made the right decision to not have a relationship with him. The answer is always the same - YES. I also ask myself how I feel if he were to get really sick or die with our relationship in this state. I feel those are things I need to think about. Again, I always have the same answer - That situation wouldn't be ideal. It would be horrible. But the relationship I had with my father became non-existant because of HIM. I would LOVE for my father to find himself, work towards healing, and enjoy a revamped life. And I would love to have a relationship with my father. But he wants to stay lost, stay wounded, and live the same crummy life he's been living for nearly 58 years. Ya know, my dad is no spring chicken, but if he started living his life right, he might have another 40 years to enjoy.
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When I think about it, I don't know how my dad has survived as long as he has. He's REALLY lucky. Many people are not so lucky, like my friend Hilary's dad. He too cheated life again and again until he finally lost the game. In many ways, I think his passing was a blessing for him - an end to suffering. But he left family and friends behind who still try to make sense of the choices he made, accept that he's really gone, and continually say, "If only he had done this, rather than that..." I do not feel my dad has a death wish, but I know he's completely okay with dying. He and I have discussed it many times before. I gather that he banks on "the other side" being much better than where he's been and where he is now.
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I think of my dad like a broken sea shell in the ocean. A wave comes and washes it on shore. Shortly, another wave comes and takes it back out into the ocean. Then, it washes back ashore. Someone comes along, says "Look! A sea shell!", picks it up, says "Oh, it's broken", and throws it back down...only for another wave to come up and pull it back out to sea. My dad never makes it past the shore line. He has a beautiful view of the beach, and he convinced himself that's all there is to see. He sees happy people around him - couples, kids, etc...and he tries to feed off their happiness but doesn't provide him what he needs.
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Okay, so that's my analogy for the day.
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I heard from my grandfather that my dad will soon be leaving for Puerto Rico for 3 months or so. That is just another form of proof that he does "different" things. Like last time, he will live like a native. He will stay with whoever will take him in, eat what they eat, etc. In one way, him going makes me feel weird. Personally, I think he should be at home trying to sort through his life - himself, his home, his family, etc. But in another way, I'm glad he's leaving. I won't have to worry about him showing up on my doorstep. Besides, he loves Puerto Rico. From what he told me before, he feels relaxed and worry free when he's there. He claims such an environment helps him sort through his troubles and see more clearly. Well, I guess all the sorting and clear thinking got lost on the flight between there and home because I saw no changed man - not even in the slightest degree.
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I'm not saying I would change my mind about having a relationship with my dad if he were to put for efforts to change. Honestly, I'd have to see it to believe it and really be IN that situation to consider it. But I do know there is a lot better chance I would consider it under those conditions than I ever would now. My dad is not stupid. He knows this. But he chooses not to make the changes in hopes our relationship might be rekindled. Maybe he feels the payoff for his sacrifices and hard work aren't great enough. Maybe he feels the possibility of our relationship rebuilding needs to be a signed and stamped guarantee before he would be willing to make such changes. Who knows. He's impossible to figure out. At the end of the day, it's obvious that me and our relationship is not high on his priority list. He is willing to let his daughter and the relationship he could have with me can go by the wayside. As you can imagine, that hurts. It really does. But the truth often hurts. The funny thing though is that he's convinced himself (and still works to convince others) I'm the "heartless one" who has made this decision he simply can't make sense of.
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I'm glad I heard from my dad last night. I got what I wanted.
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Have you ever thought big crazy thoughts like, "I'm shopping...I wonder if so and so is doing the same thing..." I know a lot of people think of a celebrity when they have such thoughts. This morning, I think of my dad. It is 8am. My guess is that he's awake - just like me. I bet he's already had breakfast too - just like me. I would venture to say he might even be thinking of me - just like I'm thinking of him. He and I are both thinkers. I recently told my husband I love him and to have a good day. I am listening to the faint hum of the baby monitor as I wait for my little boy to wake up and call for me. My life isn't perfect, but it is wonderful. I love my life. I am very happy. My dad on the other hand is by himself (or with some woman he cares absolutely nothing about), has no one to love and no one to love him, and is far from happy. How can I feel so full and my dad feel so empty? We're both just humans living on this earth. We have the same opportunities to find happiness and success. The answer is simple: I found happiness and hung on to it. I surround myself with those I love and those that love me. I love myself. I love my family. I value my friends. I learn from my past. I feel my future is bright. In so many ways, my dad and I are alike. But in all the ways I just mentioned (primarily centered around ways of thinking), we are so different.
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I hear Grayson waking up. I'm glad I had time to think about how I'm feeling and discuss it. I enjoyed the break, but my real every day life is picking up where it left off an hour or so ago when Ray left for work. The book is closed until I open it again.
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Have a good day, Daddy.
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you know you are older/wiser when...
...when you look forward to mowing.
...you choose to buy ant poison rather than a new DVD.
...you no longer wear t-shirts with retarded sayings on it.
...young people have no clue what you are talking about.
...start to appreciate reading the paper and good books.
...you don't mind driving an hour to work to live in a better area.
...you really looking forward to family gatherings.
...SEARS and Lowe's are your favorite places to shop.