What a trying weekend it was...

The big plan Ray and I had for the weekend was to take it easy. The only exception we were open to was going into labor, if that was what was meant to be. Obviously, we didn’t go into labor. And our weekend ended up being quite stressful.

We were out doing our weekly grocery shopping Saturday night when my cell phone rang. When I looked at my caller ID, I was surprised to see who was calling me. It was a friend I don’t hear from too often. The last time I talked to him was before Thanksgiving. Ordinarily, I wouldn’t like having a friend who only called a few times a year. That definitely isn’t my idea of a fulfilling friendship. But he is an exception because I know he is very troubled. He continuously wages wars against himself. As a matter of fact, I never know what to expect when he calls me. I hate to say it, but it is rare that he calls me to tell me all is well.

Even though he sounded pretty good, asked how our pregnancy is going, etc., I could sense trouble in his voice. But instead of asking him what was going on, I waited until he was ready to clue me in. In a matter of minutes, the voice on the other end of the phone went from fairly upbeat to monotone. He first tried to convince me that his one and only trouble was that his wife had left him again. I didn’t believe that was all there was to it. Sure enough, after listening to him talk a little longer, I learned that his wife not only left him (and took their young son) but that he is unemployed, turned to alcohol and/or drugs yet again, and was severely depressed. During our conversation, he went from depressed to angry, to sad, to somewhat hopeful, and back to depressed again. Although I was very concerned, I wasn’t too alarmed by his range of emotions.

After talking for a good while, he asked me to keep him in my thoughts. I told him I definitely would. I also told him he could call me at any day and time. He said he really appreciated that, how sorry he was to trouble me, that I’m the only person he can talk to, and that I’m the strongest person he knows. I told him not to be sorry, that he wasn’t troubling me, and that I’m glad I’m someone he can talk to. I also thanked him for the compliment but that while I try to be strong, I’m no super woman for sure. He tried ending our conversation by quickly saying he had to go. I asked him what he was going to do. He said, “Take a walk through the woods”. Currently, he is staying at someone’s house with a lot of land/woods. Though his plan of walking through the woods sounded odd, I didn’t want to question him a lot. So, I said, “You just need to get some fresh air?” He said, “Uh, well, I don’t know what I’m gonna do”. I said, “You’re not going to do anything you shouldn’t, right? You’re not going to drink or anything else, are you?” He hesitated and said, “Tish, I’ve never lied to you, and I won’t start now. I have no idea what I’m going to do”. I said, “Well, I tell you what – why don’t you call me back in an hour or so?” He said he would. I felt helpless, but I knew I had done all I could do at that point.

About 30 minutes later, my phone rang again. It was him. When I answered the phone this time though, the voice on the other end was almost unrecognizable. It was kinda scary. What I didn’t know was that I was dealing with someone psychotic. I know the word “psychotic” is thrown around a lot, especially in light-hearted talk. I don’t even think I’ve even used it with sincerity until now. Anyway, my friend had gone over the edge. He began telling me that story we’re all familiar with (if not from real life, from movies) – that he can’t go on living like this, he’ll never find his way out, etc. I first thought (and really hoped) he was just severely depressed. Again, it didn’t take me long to realize it was much more serious than that. He went on to tell me that no one loves me, that he is a horrible person, and finally, that he just needs to “take care of this”. He was suicidal.

I had not felt that blindsided in quite a while. If someone had told me ahead of time that I would have to talk to someone who is suicidal, I would’ve panicked. I honestly would have no idea what to say or not say. To be successful at getting someone through something like that, you need training. And of course, I haven’t had any. But when you get thrown a curve ball, you just have to do what you feel is best at the moment - go with the flow as my dad would say.

One thing that gave me encouragement was that he was calling me to talk to me about his plan. That told me that he didn’t really want to end his life. What he really wanted was help. I was able to keep him on the phone for about an hour or so. At first, he was responsive and very free about sharing his feelings with me. Then, he was throwing around those different emotions again, but it was much worse this time. Instead of just sounding angry, he began to cuss a lot. Instead of just sounding depressed, he became silent. He was slow to respond to what I was saying or asking and then started ignoring me altogether. This was very frustrating because I felt it was important to keep him talking. Since I couldn’t hang up with him, I asked my mom and Ray to get on their cell phones and call for help. But what happened next made my heart skip a beat or two…the phone went dead. I started screaming his name, but no one was there. I was shocked, confused, and heartsick.

Unfortunately, everyone Ray and Mom called was concerned but not willing to put forth much effort to help. Instead, they reminded us how troubled this guy is, that he’s been in this boat before and will be here again unless he wants help, etc. I was shocked beyond belief! I was on the phone with someone who was about to end their life, desperate for help, and no one was willing to help me! To make matters worse, I was the only one who knew how serious of a situation this was. Finally, we got someone to go check on him. Fortunately, my friend had not killed himself. But because that person who went to check on him didn’t do much prying and because my friend is a great actor, he convinced them that he was a little down but feeling fine overall and just needed some time alone.

I was finally able to get my friend back on the phone. He was a little upset that I had alerted someone else of his condition and his plan, but he didn’t harp on me for very long. He was more interested in talking about “checking out”. So, here I was completely on my own. He began mumbling and talking nonsense. He again thanked me, told me I’m the strongest person he knows, told me to take care of our beautiful baby boy that would be arriving soon, apologized for everything, and said it was time for him to “check out”. Somehow, I managed to keep him on the phone a little longer. I learned of his plan to hang himself and gave it my all to convince him that wasn’t the answer. At this point, he said that if he didn’t hang himself he would have “her” slit his throat. I asked him several times who he was talking about when he said “her”, but he wouldn’t ever answer me. The next thing scary thing that came about was the long periods of silence. Again, I don’t know how I remained calm. I just did. Finally, he said, “I’m going to get out of here”. I said, “No, you’re not. I need you to stay on the phone and talk to me”. He said, “No, I gotta get out of here. I’m gonna take care of this. Do you want to watch?” By the way, this kind of talk is nothing like the guy I know. It was just the most desperate troubled version of him I’d ever known. I said, “No, I don’t want to watch anything. I want you to sit here and talk to me”. He said, “Well, you can hear it all come to an end, okay?” By this time, I was experiencing my own range of emotions. I told him yet again that killing himself wasn’t the answer. I told him he has so much to live for (a son, family and friends who love him, etc). I told him that everyone loses their way, but that with some help, he could get back on track and have the life he wants. I asked him to let someone else know he needed help (besides me). Incase he was willing to accept them; I was armed with phone numbers to crisis and suicide hotlines. When I thought he might be considering what I was saying, I realized there was no one on the other end of the phone. It was dead.

Of course, I tried calling him back but got no answer. I realized that I had done all I could do, especially considering I am in a completely different state than him. The only thing I could do was call the police. I gave them as much information as I could and asked them to call me to let me know what they found. I knew the police could not sit with him all night. If nothing else, I was hoping they would interrupt him from carrying out his plan. But as I suspected, the police officer that called me back said everything appeared to be okay. My friend admitted that he was having a difficult time because he is going through a separation/divorce but said he was okay otherwise. The police officer told me he called EMS to come out to check him over to be sure but that he thought all was okay. I asked him to call me with any updates. I really hoped my friend would tell someone out of the 3 people who went to check on him that he was not okay, but he didn’t. I again told myself there was nothing else I could do. While my friend was asking for help, he was refusing it. I had done all I could do.

Needless to say, after this 4-5 hour long ordeal, Ray, my mom, and I were so worn out but were wound up too. I think all of us took a while to get to sleep and didn’t sleep good when we did. It was one of the worst ways to spend a Saturday night that I could think of. Even though the situation was completely out of my control, I felt horrible that Ray and Mom’s evening was ruined too.

The next day, Ray and I talked about how unexpected and overwhelming that situation was. It was so stressful that it had somewhat became a blur to us. Fortunately, Sunday was a much better day for us. It was very relaxing, which is exactly what we needed. I didn’t know what I would say if my friend made it through the night and ended up calling me, but it all came together when he did. First, he apologized, which I feel was in order. I accepted his apology. I figured he was feeling better because it was a new day and the sun was shining. But no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t convince me all was now okay. Also, in a very heartfelt way, I told him I was upset because he was in a bad situation and really needing help but was refusing it. I think he understood what I was saying. However, I could tell that he didn’t want to hear me say those things. So, he said, “Tish, again, I’m sorry. I’m not going to bug you anymore. Thanks for everything you did” and hung up. I was left feeling a little confused and even a little hurt, but I knew I did all I could. He might view my calls for help as a violation of his trust, but if it helped him get through the night, I’m okay with that. And if he decides that what I did is unforgivable (which is very possible), I’m okay with that too. I would rather him be alive than for us to be friends.

My guess is that he will probably find himself in the same or a very similar situation again (probably sooner rather than later). His birthday is coming up soon. One’s birthday should be a very happy day, but his will not be with all the demons he is trying to battle alone. That makes me very sad. But if he is going to ask for help, he is going to have to be willing to accept it. If that doesn’t happen, he will defeat himself - for good.

I told Ray about one of our friends whose cousin went into labor 2 months early due to holiday stress. She had a lot of family coming over for Thanksgiving, had a long to do list, etc. All of her worries and anxieties caused her baby to be born way too early. And here I am: 38 weeks pregnant, undergoing a huge amount of stress as I try to talk someone into not committing suicide, and still can’t go into labor! ;)

~T.T.