going home

We moved last weekend. Really, it wasn’t that bad but being surrounded by boxes is kinda overwhelming at times. Grayson has adjusted well. He hasn’t been as willing as usual to nap during the day, but I think that is because he just wants to be awake so he can explore. The dogs, on the other hand, didn’t do such a good job adjusting. Well, that’s what Ray and I would say all the nights we were awakened by whining, yelping, or barking. To them, our new home is a strange place. And it seems that if the house got quiet, they were alone. Of course, that was not the case. We were in other rooms trying to get some much needed sleep. But fortunately, they have done awesome the last few nights. Ray and I have slept like rocks. The 8+ hours of sleep we’ve been getting each night has been great. Our hope is to wake one day soon and feel fully charged. We are not there yet. We feel more rested than we have in a week or so but are still in need more zzz’s.
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As if packing, moving, and closing on our house wasn’t stressful enough, I’ve had some things going on with my family back home. First and foremost, my grandmother, my dad’s mother, died. Everyone was expecting it. She had been battling Parkinson’s disease and was in hospice care for a while. The way her life expectancy kept getting shortened was a little surprising for everyone. A few months ago, my Paw told me the head nurse who came to evaluate her every week said she would most likely not live past this year. Next, I heard she said she would be surprised if she made it to summer. Then, last Friday, the nurse said she probably wouldn’t live till Monday. And she didn’t. She died in the last few minutes of Sunday night. I think she was in “that place” (wanting to die) since Friday. She was just waiting for all of her children to get there. About an hour after my uncle from Houston arrived, she let go. My grandfather sounded so proud as he told me that she didn’t fight it.
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Needless to say, my grandfather is having a hard time dealing. I can only imagine what it is like to lose your spouse of nearly 60 years. The person you fell in love with, chose to spend your life with, had children with, spent birthdays and holidays with, took vacations with, etc is here one day and then gone the next. That is nothing short of DEVISTATING. Personally, I wasn’t that close to my grandmother. So her not being here anymore isn’t really difficult for me. I did care about her, and I guess I would say I loved her. I definitely have some good memories of her from when I was 4 or 5 years old. But as I got older, in her eyes, I wasn’t as cute/pretty and simply put, I did not become the lady she hoped I would. She judged me very harshly – from the big mistakes I made to the small ones. Heck, it wasn’t just about the mistakes I made. She was very judgmental about how I chose to live my life. But when it comes down to it, it was only a difference of opinion. I am different, my own person. I was a disappointment to her. Just like my father, at one point, she tried to blame ME for my parents’ divorce. Anyway, with all that being said, I will say that I am happy she is gone. My grandfather is suffering right now, and that makes my heart ache. She is finally free of her pain. That fact alone gives my family and I such a peaceful feeling. Since she passed only days ago, my Paw is still at the stage where he wonders how he’ll go on. I completely understand why he feels that way, but I’m really hoping time heals his pain. As I’ve told him, we need him here with us. I’m confident that my Granny (his mom) and my grandmother (his wife) will be looking forward to seeing him when his time comes, neither one of them would want him to rush to get there. Well, that is what I tell him anyway. I have no doubt that is how my Granny feels. My grandmother, on the other hand, is a different story. Unless she changed her ways between Earth and wherever she was headed, I’m pretty sure she does want him with her – NOW. In the last 2 or 3 years of her life, my grandmother showed just how selfish she was. She was so demanding and seemed to think nothing of depriving him of his hobbies, his family, his friends, sleep, and his sanity. But she got what she wanted. He nearly killed himself (literally) caring for her round the clock.
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When Ray and I were told how bad off she was, we decided to make plans to head back home. Because we were in the middle of packing (and on the verge of closing our house), Ray had a lot going on at work, and a last minute trip is very costly, we had to schedule it a few weeks out. I didn’t think we would make it before she died, but at least we tried our best. Even though she has passed, we still see great value in us going home. Number one, I need and want to see my grandfather so bad. And I know a visit from Ray, Grayson, and I will really lift his spirits. Second, we look forward to seeing my aunt, her family, Ray’s mom and stepdad, etc. It will be great! It is a long overdue trip. It will be quicker than I would like. Three days is not long enough, but it is surely better than nothing. It will be far from a “vacation”, but it will be an enjoyable trip. Everyone is so excited to see Grayson, and we couldn’t be more excited about showing him off!
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The only unpleasant thing about our trip I foresaw was dealing with my father. It isn’t anything I can’t handle. It is something I’d just rather not do. Everyone knew we were coming in town except for him. I didn’t tell him because he and I don’t talk. And everyone else chose not to tell him. So, when he overheard my cousin saying something about it, he flipped his lid. He spouted off that he’s the last to know, etc. etc. As you can imagine, my cousin felt terrible that she let it slip. I told her it is okay. After all, I expected him to find out sooner or later. What I didn’t expect was his response to the news. I had already told my grandfather and my aunt that I could handle my father and that I had no intention of showing my ass. I came there to visit and enjoy everyone – not sling shit back and forth with my father. Honestly, my plan was to smile, say hello, and go on as usual. I wasn’t even considering talking to him in depth about our relationship if he asked me to. I have nothing new to tell him. How I’m feeling now (about him and us) is exactly what I told to him when we stopped talking six or seven months ago. There is no need to waste my breath saying it all again. Besides, I know he doesn’t want to hear me declare my feelings again like a broken record. Rather than working on improving himself and the state of our relationship, his goal is to get me to lower my standards and accept him for who he is. I can run through my neighborhood naked. And after some training, I could probably climb a mountain. But one thing I cannot do is accept my father for the person he is. It isn’t that I don’t like his style or the mood he was in on this one particular day. I cannot stand the person he is. It isn’t even about the person he was, the man who caused me so much personal damage. I forgave him for the past several years ago. The reason for the demise of our relationship is the person he is now. Needless to say, the person he is now is similar to the person he was. But in some ways, believe it or not, the person he is now is much worse than the person he was then. No matter how many times it is preached to me, the whole “blood is thicker than water thing” is not something I can practice. It goes against who I am and everything I believe. My big declaration regarding my father is: Despite how hard he tries to convince himself and others that I am the reason we don’t have a relationship, it is HIM that is making a daily choice not to make the necessary changes to improve his life and salvage what is left of he and I. Believe it or not, rather than his mother’s death helping him see the light, it seems to have made him more bitter.
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Over the last few months, my dad has sent me two letters. They weren’t even full of empty promises. They were full of nothing other than B.S. You’d have to read them to fully understand. The only part that was general and clear was him asking me to accept him for who he is rather than waiting for him to become the person I want/need him to be. The rest of it was what I call “head in the clouds” talk. His word choice and how he compiled his sentences was so dramatic and almost comical. I don’t agree with how he does things. His style and mine are completely different. But one thing I couldn’t deny is that he was trying – well, half ass trying. Okay, maybe he wasn’t trying…he was making an attempt. That says something – not very much but something.
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But his effort flew out the window yesterday when my aunt called to tell me that my dad declared he isn’t coming to my grandfather’s house to visit next weekend. He said since I didn’t tell him we were coming and my grandfather didn’t invite him, he is NOT coming. The thing is NO ONE got “invited” to my grandfather’s house. My aunt and uncle just heard we were coming, and it was kinda understood that we’d get together and visit. My grandfather’s house has been our meeting place for many years. Anyway, my father proceeded to tell my aunt that he has “gotten used to how things are” between he and I. I cannot express how pissed off I am that he called my aunt to tell her these things. Already, a week before we are due to be there, he is playing games. He will stop at nothing to make himself look like the victim. When it comes down to it, visiting with my family will be much easier if he isn’t there. But I had no qualms about him being there. He is part of our family. I just didn’t want to have much, if anything, to do with him. My aunt says she wouldn’t be at all surprised though if he changes his mind. He’s very different from one minute to the next. She knows this. He claims to be at peace now with my decision (not to talk to him), but in a few days (or less), he decide that he not only cares but that he’s enraged by me coming and not letting him know. He might very well decide that not coming to my grandfather’s would be too easy on me and exactly what I would want. Therefore, he’ll not only come but make a scene. My father is unpredictable. He always has been. I wouldn’t say he ever really surprises me because I know him very well. But I must admit that he continually takes me off guard. He always goes where I never thought he would. When it comes down to it, when he convinces himself he’s been wronged, he’ll do anything and everything to make people around him uncomfortable. As long as he’s feeling good, that is all that matters. I guess that makes his life enjoyable (or he thinks it does), but in the long run, living like that will come back and bite you on the ass. But ya know, my dad doesn’t think about that because he is the type that lives from one minute to the next.
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So, in conclusion, as I go back home for the first time in nearly a year with my husband and beautiful son, I am very excited and a bit nervous. This world is a scary place filled with lots of scary people. It is just sad when one of the people who scares you most is your own father.