cause/effect

Isn't it funny how things can be going so great one minute and go to hell the next?

Besides being exhausted from our move, I have been feeling pretty darn good. Life is good. There are small disturbances here and there, but usually, it doesn't take me long to get back to where I was.

What completely derails me are big interruptions to my life like my father. I am in my new home with my husband and little boy. I just want to be left alone. I must say that I have come a LONG way regarding how I deal with my father. Years ago, things he said and did enraged me. I was so mad I know I could've punched a window in. Now, he still angers me, but it no longer affects me that way. I know it is because I have way to much happiness and good in my life to allow him to ruin it. I wish I could say he doesn't have any effect on me. But I can't because I'd be lying through my teeth.

Today, my father called my cell phone 3 times and left very rude voicemails each time. Part of me was angry. It was fueled by the fact that he is calling me when I asked him not to - and not just once but three times! That, my friend, is what you call DISRESPECT. He doesn't respect me as a person. That is one of the many reasons why he and I don't have a relationship.

Anyway, as I was saying, his messages made me angry. But what he had to say - and especially HOW he said it, disappointed me. Things he says and things he does are not something anyone would ever/should ever expect from their parent. And as much as I hate to admit it, he really hurts my feelings too. He shouldn't talk to anyone that way, especially his own daughter.

I am here wading through all the emotions my father stirred up today. All afternoon, my father's messages have been on my mind. But I couldn't miss the opportunity to enjoy every minute I could with Gray. So, I waited until now to sort through it all. I need to do this so I can maybe get some much needed sleep.

Conclusion: My father is powerful...not because he's this strong, almighty person. He's actually weak and insecure. That is the reason why he is so harmful to others. I have NO idea why, but I still can't believe he can be so hurtful. He must feel good about it because he does it again and again and again. He might think he is controlling this situation, "letting me know who is boss", or getting the final word, but he isn't. What he's doing is affirming my decision to not have a relationship with him with each and every mean message he leaves me.

I love quotes. They speak volumes in just a sentence or two and in some cases, a few words. I ran across one that sums up what I've said to my father time and time again...

What you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

As I wrap up this blog entry, I find myself thinking like many others at the end of a long, hard, or draining day. It is a stupid wish I guess. It is one little girls make. I know it won't ever happen, but I feel I need to keep wishing for it. Wishes aren't granted to those who don't close every day with the same wish backed by the same amount of hope, right?

Here we go: I wish I would wake up tomorrow and have a normal dad - one that is loving, caring, thoughtful, trustworthy, genuine, mature, level-headed, respectful, and finally ready to take this whole "Dad" thing seriously.