he'll soon be on his way

My aunt called my yesterday evening. We talked about so many things as we always do. She talked about my dad leaving for Puerto Rico today. She said my grandfather is really upset. I figured he'd miss him, but I had no idea just how upset he was. My aunt heard my grandfather cried when my dad left him (from a visit) yesterday afternoon.
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A few minutes after she and I hung up, I called my grandfather. I asked him how his visit was with my dad. He said it was good. To my surprise, without and prodding from me, he told me how worried he is about my dad. I told him he shouldn't worry, that my father is going because he really wants to. I said, "I bet he's beside himself tonight because he's so excited about leaving tomorrow!" My Paw said, "He's not excited as I thought he'd be." I said, "Oh really? Why?" He said, "I don't know...I really worry about him". I felt so bad for him. Doesn't every parent hope that their child will one day make good sound adult decisions, especially by the time that child is nearly 60 years old?! He added, "Your dad knows a few people he met on his last trip there. They will pick him up from the airport. But he's not sure where he'll be, who he'll be with, or anything". I said, "I know, Paw. That is how he likes to travel. That is him". He said, "All your dad is bringing is one little nap sack with a few pieces of clothes in it". I said, "I know, Paw". He said, "It's dangerous". I said, "I know, Paw. And all he has is his stupid cell phone. Did he tell you he has your number in his wallet incase of an emergency?" My Paw said, "I don't know...he should". This is very important because my dad has had several major seizures. One time, he had a seizure in church and the lady found the emergency number he had written down in his wallet. It was mine. She called me in a panic. It sure was strange hearing from someone I didn't know about my father being in the hospital.
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Anyway, my grandpa and I were saying that if his cell phone and wallet get stolen, it's bad news. No one would know where he is. He isn't staying anywhere in particular - or even with a certain person. When I think about it all, it scares me. As Ray says, my dad is a drifter. What's weird is that he doesn't have a good sense of fear. It isn't that he's tough like my grandfather. I believe my grandfather can face nearly anyone or anything. He is rugged old cowboy tough if you know what I mean. But my dad is different. He fears things, but he refuses to do anything about it. Actually, he tries to suppress the feeling and be cool. It doesn't make sense, I know. He will stay in a dangerous situation just so he can live to tell about it. THAT is what worries me and my family. The difference with me though is that I find peace knowing that he wants nothing more than to be there and that he always does what HE wants to do. No one is forcing him to do anything. But I think if I were 78 years old (like my grandfather), I would be just as upset as he is about my dad leaving and his style of travel.
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I don't regret my blog entry yesterday. That is really how I feel. But after talking to my aunt and especially my grandfather, I also became worried and kinda upset. Both of them are very concerned something might happen to my dad. I see their point. Something very well could happen, but really, there's nothing we can do about it. My dad is a grown man. He is going to do what he wants to do. He gets a thrill off living on the edge/flying by the seat of his pants. In my opinion, being adventurous is fun, but being stupid is...well, STUPID.
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This morning, I'm thinking about my dad and wonder if how he's feeling about his travels over the next 3 months. I can't help but wonder if he has a plan to party it up or mellow out. I'm guessing he has plans to come home and continue living. I know that sounds weird, but what if he has a plan to end his life in paradise (or what he thinks of as paradise)? Not many people have worries like mine about their parents I wouldn't think...or I hope not at least. But they are all legit. My dad is someone to wonder and worry about. You never know what he's up to. Sometimes I wonder if the little ways he tries to cheat life are both thrilling and a secret wish that his wrong move would cause the game to be over.
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I hate seeing my Paw so upset. It upsets me. And also, I hate that my dad is so damn irresponsible. I don't want him to hurt himself, but if he does, it is because he willingly marched into a dangerous situation. What pisses me off is how he hurts others, specifically his dad and me. He's selfish.
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I wish my dad safe travels. I'm sure I will hear some details about his trip over the next three months. And I'm sure many things I hear will make me shake my head in disbelief. Although, I must say the stories I heard from his last few trips are hard to top.
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The fact is that my dad will probably be fine. I have no idea how, but he finds a way to survive. His friends have been taken out one by one over the years due to various forms of bad decision making. He is like the only standing soldier. I hope his luck continues. But because I know nothing is for sure in life, I am worried - and I'm trying like hell to make myself accept that he may or may not come back home. After talking to my grandfather, it seems my dad is also aware that his travel plans are not the safest. Still, he is rocking on.
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