LIFE

Life is about change. Very little is a “constant”… one should hold on tight to those dear people and treasured things that have been around for a long time and most likely won’t go anywhere.

I don’t think anyone can say they don’t experience or at least witness some kind of change – big or small – on a daily basis. Needless to say, an unexpected change can cause devastating results. I have been there many times. But I must say I surprise myself. I either do a good job of not only recovering but coming out stronger or I realize the change I couldn’t prevent was actually for the best.

I know many people who fear change. Well, they may not want to admit they fear it. But they do. Instead, they dare anyone or anything in their lives to change. I have heard several people declare they have worked too hard to create personalized, as perfect as possible conditions to have the world as they know it disturbed by change! I hear their cries, but I do find that funny.

For the most part, I find change refreshing and exciting! Even when a change scares me, it excites me! Maybe I am weird. Weird or whatever, it has helped me have a better attitude towards change I have no control over… everything from not panicking when I feel taken off guard to actually going with the flow and finding the possibilities that a change can bring.

Now with all that being said, watch something huge head my way. That is how things work right? :)

As I look back at my life – whether in the last six months or the last six year, so many things have changed. One of those changes was tremendous. I would even call one earth-shattering. First, I was completely blindsided, and the big change seemed to snowball. And long before I found a way to deal, that snowball of change divided into a thousand small snowballs of change. SOMEHOW, I survived. At times, the actual process of wading through each day after the unwelcome changed invaded my world is a blur. All I know is that I persevered. The change did not conquer me an I feared it might. I can’t tell you how many times I felt I was stuck and had no choice but to surrender. It seemed that letting the change (and all it’s offspring) plow me over was easier, quicker, and less painful than living in my cold, dark world alone, wondering how I’d make it through the next hour.

And needless to say, my life has been enriched by awesome things and wonderful people. In the last 10 years, I met my soul mate, merged my life with his, and started a family. We are now on this amazing journey on a never-ending path – me, Ray, Grayson, and Zander.

Another big changed that happened a year or so ago is me losing my dad. Well, I didn’t lose him, I guess. I never have really “found” him because he’s never found himself. I guess the best way to say it is that I rid of him. I had done it several times before but would change my mind after a while. The reasons for that fluctuated between guilt and me feeling dependent on my father. His mind games lead me into this warp zone where I felt I couldn’t be a successful person or possibly couldn’t survive without him.

I lose many daytime hours of enjoyment and many much needed hours at night trying to find my way out. But it didn’t take me long to realize how easy finding the exit was. The hard part was finding the courage to walk through that door…and not go back inside. I was locked inside the gates of hell so long that the beautiful, happy world outside I knew existed and longed for became more and more intimidating. I wondered if I had the make-up to survive in such freeing conditions. It’s almost as if I feared failing in the good place and being thrown back in hell with my father. I hate to say it, but that’s where it seemed he wanted me – rotting right there next to him.

Several special folks, specifically my mom and Ray, were so generous with their love, showered with me with never-ending support, offered advice when I was receptive to it (and got bitten when I wasn’t), always encouraged me to do what was best for me, had a huge role in building my confidence, and helped me see the big picture clearly when I was drowning in all the clouds composed of that particular moment’s dramatic details. They helped me get to a point I thought was unreachable.

Then, our beautiful, innocent, perfect son entered the picture. From the good place, with him, he carried the answer. On February 9th, the moment I saw him, I fell in love with him the way I have always longed for my father to love me…not because I was “supposed to”…because it was natural, effortless, and gave me this warmth and tingle, backed by a state of euphoria that couldn’t be turned off.

I want to give Grayson anything and everything he needs and all I can that he wants. Again, not because that’s what a mother is suppose to do but because I want the best for Grayson. It’s sad, but I remember my father treating me best and speaking highly of me when in others’ presence. His “love” for me was a presentation rather than a genuine, heartfelt expression. Personally, I do NOTHING with Grayson “for show”. I love him so much and express it without holding back. I won’t ever do it any other way. It isn’t ever pre-meditated. It just happens. No shows here, but of course, I’m more than willing for anyone to witness my love for him. One thing I’d love people to say about me when my time on earth has expired is, “Tish was a lover. She was mad about her family – her husband and her two boys”.

I know both Grayson and Zander will make mistakes and will have to learn from them…and that they’ll get some unfair dealings in life just as everyone does. I realize that there will most likely be times when they feel doomed, but it is mine and Ray’s job to teach them to be strong, for those times will indeed pass. I want nothing more than for Grayson and Zander to live long, happy lives. Mine and Ray’s goal is to give them the best start possible and help them launch when they are ready.

One very important basic in life is knowing how to love and be loved. It sounds simple, but for some, it isn’t. I believe it starts with good examples. Ray and I do not have the perfect relationship, but it is a very good one – very healthy. Grayson and Zander will not only witness a great marriage but also an awesome friendship. Our boys will grow up in a happy home filled with lots of smiles and laughter.

Do you know I used to get scolded for laughing and having fun? My father always told me that being noisy was annoying and being giggly was immature. If I haven’t heard “Act your age, not your shoe size” once, I’ve heard it 1,000 times. Thing is, he wasn’t happy with me acting my age either. He wanted a young adult rather than a child. I was discouraged for being a kid as long as I can remember. I feel sad when I think about that (and so many other things about my childhood). The good news though is that history will NOT repeat itself.

My dad always liked to brag on himself because he stopped “the cycle of abuse”. His dad beat him. I’m very thankful my dad never once laid a hand on me. However, he did inflict abuse upon my mother and I. I would definitely describe it as a severe case of emotional abuse. He was/is a sick individual that gets a thrill from controlling, intimidating, and hurting others. It’s called having the upper hand.

We are teaching Grayson to respect us, and we will do the same with Zander. We are their parents. But rather than controlling them, we want to teach and guide them. Neither of us have an idea of what we want them to become. We will love, guide, teach, and support them as they discover who they are and what they want from life. It sucks growing up feeling like you’re never good enough. I made good grades (honor roll) but was always told I could do better. I made good decision but never exactly as my father would. So, therefore, I constantly received criticism. I now know I couldn’t have made him happy unless I was a miniature him rather than Letisha Michelle. Having unrealistic expectations of a child is not just unfair – it is WRONG. No matter how Grayson and Zander choose to style their hair or what career path they choose, they will never be a disappointment to us. We love them unconditionally. It all began the moment we knew they existed – long before we met them…and it won’t ever end.

Before Grayson was born, I made plans for him to have a radically different upbringing than what I had. I would do all I could to protect him from the world and for sure wouldn’t ever cause him any kind of pain myself. Recovery from such torment is tough (to say the least). Somehow, I not only made it but found a way to thrive. I must say I’m proud of myself.

Gray helped me realized how toxic my father was and still is. In recent years, he began to acknowledge his wrongdoings here and there but never seemed sincerely remorseful. Like everything else, it seemed he went through the motions (of acknowledging and halfway apologizing to me) because he felt he should. And needless to say, the mere thought of my father ever somehow hurting my children in any way (or anyone for that matter) makes my blood boil. He might have f’ed with me but won’t with Grayson or Zander. He’d have to kill me first. And that wouldn’t be easy. I’d put up one hell of a fight.

So, a little over a year ago, I ride my life of my father completely. The change hasn’t been as difficult as it was in the past. I think it was something I needed to do long ago but simply wasn’t ready. Now, I feel much healthier emotionally. I am now experiencing the freedom I’ve always daydreamed about. I feel my life is really mine and there is no interference. What an AWESOME feeling!

You might be wondering where Zander comes into play considering he isn’t here with us just yet. Well, he reinforces the decision I made. Every now and then, I check in with myself to make sure I still feel good about not having my father in my life. 9 times out of 10, the answer is yes, definitely. But occasionally, something like my dad’s birthday coming up in less than a week makes me feel a little unsure. But all it takes is a talk with Ray, one glance at Grayson, or a movement from Zander. Ya know, my dad has a 30 year jump on Ray and a 60 year jump on Grayson and Zander when it comes to life experience. What’s sad is that Ray, Grayson, and Zander are already much more of a man than my father will ever be.

I can’t help but wonder what it’s like to be my dad. Miserable, I assume. But it is by choice. When you don’t learn how to love and allow others to love you, life can be nothing short of a living nightmare. I can’t imagine simply existing. Life offers too many wonderful opportunities. I’ve always said the theme song of life is “Things change”. My dad will change in a matter of days. He will be another year older – 58 to be exact. It sure would be great if he found his way this year, but I’m pretty darn sure he won’t. That would require effort on his part and maybe even hard work. Instead, he’d rather wait for the ultimate change, “the transition” as he calls it. He says he is right with God and that one day when he’s freed from this life, he’ll finally have found peace and happiness. Until that glorious day, all he can do is wait. Isn’t it funny how we all live on the same land, are under the same sky, and are provided light by the same sun but all lead such different lives?

Sometimes I find it hard to believe my father genuinely wanted me to find happiness in life. As bad as it sounds, I kinda think it may have been more of a “misery needs company” situation. But I had my own ideas. I not only destroyed his plans but left him behind. I look back and there he is. But as time passes, he becomes a faded image that gets smaller…and smaller…and smaller. Beside me is my beautiful family – my husband and my two sons. And when I look ahead, I see all the wonderful things we’re headed towards.

My life would be incomplete without Grayson and Zander. How and why my dad doesn’t need me or want me, I don’t know…and I don’t think I’ll ever have an answer. I got from underneath him and his teachings, found happiness, made a life for myself, and continue to thrive. Maybe if I would’ve been a college graduate I’d be worthy of his love and acceptance. Or maybe he’d be proud of me if I were a rich and famous pro golfer. OR maybe if I wouldn’t have gotten married and lived with him all my life as he encouraged me to, I’d be a “good daughter”. The little girl he tried so hard to train and mold, grew up, formed her own thoughts and ideas, gained strength, and stayed strong. He can pride himself all he wants to for being half responsible for my existence and providing me with food, clothing and shelter for 17 years. But he won’t ever be able to say he and I shared a special bond or had any kind of parent/child connection.
Today and yesterday, after lunch and before his nap, I held Grayson for a few minutes (until I could no longer than G’s weight and Zander’s kicks). He giggled as he played with my hair. I kissed his neck until his giggles became hard laughter. A few times, he even snorted! :) We have a LOT of fun together!

Being a parent can be downright hard sometimes but loving a child is so easy. Grayson and Zander will grow up, but they’ll always be our boys. And I can guarantee I’ll never give them a reason to want to rid their lives of me. Their dad and I will be a permanent on their list of constants.

And in conclusion, I say out loud:

These are my thoughts. I choose to express them today. The facts are real. I really exist in a world of good. No one is going to take anything from me. I am very happy with myself, those around me, and how I choose to live my life. Everyone should seek this kind of peace.


~T.T.