What a difference a generation can make.

In so many ways, I am completely different from both of my parents – my entire family for that matter. I think this world tries so hard to tie you to your roots, to your family. There is so much talk about the genes, the personality traits, the physical features you inherit. Like so many, I was often told how I look like my dad and do this like my mom. That’s great and all, but I’m ME. And over the years, I’ve come to realize how important I am. I have officially given up on trying to improve everyone’s lives and hold my family together the way my great grandmother did for so many years. The fact is that she did it, and she did a damn good job. Maybe everyone listened to her because she had so much life experience. Maybe the timing was just right. Or maybe she just knew how to do it, and I don’t. Whatever the reason, I label the job as IMPOSSIBLE. Certain family members will always be selfish, thoughtless, uncaring, oversensitive, hurtful, etc. Since I cannot control them, the only thing I can do is not let myself get involved in their secrets, lies, denial, refusal to accept responsibility, expressions of hate, self-destruction, and finger pointing.

I was born with a sharp mind, a big heart, my own ideas, strong opinions, and an incredible durability. Well, I probably developed the durability along the way. It takes a lot of hard hits to become tough. I don’t mean the “I can talk the talk” tough. I mean the kind of toughness that makes you get up after being knocked on your ass time and time again. I’m sad to say that I’ve not only taken hard hits but that I’ve taken them from people who occupy the branches of my very own family tree.

A few weeks ago, I decided me and my family would be much better off without my father in our lives. I told him this in the simplest, most direct way possible and stated the reasons why once again. Instead of my decision lighting a fire under his ass, he chose to ignore me. He got wind of me having surgery and called to show concern. It was a nice gesture. For that reason and because the pain I was experiencing kept me from having the energy to fight him, I didn’t bitch at him for calling me. But now that some time has passed and my pain is almost gone, I am PISSED OFF. What he did was use my surgery/pain/recovery as a way to get to me. He saw an opportunity to serve himself yet again, despite what I needed or wanted.

In the last few days, Ray and I have talked about my father a good bit. What amazes me is that no subject gets me more keyed up than when I speak of my father. My heart races. My blood boils. Okay, so maybe “enraged” is a better way to describe how my dad makes me feel. Believe it or not, I’m not surprised my dad is still the same person I’ve known for nearly 30 years. Actually, let me rephrase that. He’s been the same person for almost 60 years, exactly 57 years to the date. Today, my dad celebrates his 57th birthday. I have no idea how he’ll celebrate or who he’ll celebrate with…and I try not to think about it. Whether he spends the day by himself doing absolutely nothing or with an acquaintance getting up to no good, I feel saddened. The truth is I want to hate my dad with every ounce of my being – and sometimes I think I just might be successful…after all, he’s easy to hate. But no matter how immature, irresponsible, cold, thoughtless, selfish, odd, and cruel he is, I still care about him. It just took me too long that I cannot let my feelings go beyond that. I cannot change him. I am not responsible for him. As I told him in my most recent letter, I am thankful to have experienced a connection with him even though it was only for a short time. I guess some people never have that with their parents. Well, realistically, some people don’t even know their parents. In many ways, I’m glad I know who my dad is. It gave me a good foundation for getting to know myself. Although, knowing him set me back a GREAT deal too. How I wish I could’ve been at the place where I am now several years ago. It took me so long to free myself of his teachings, his methods, his manipulation, his lies, and his excuses. Unfortunately, I just didn’t know how to feel secure living my life without him. That led to me not knowing how to fully enjoy all the good in my life. As the saying goes, hind sight is 20/20. Take it from someone how knows: putting limits on yourself and falling victim to someone else is no way to live.

I won’t pretend I am okay with how things are with my father because I’m not. To be frank, the situation sucks. But sing it with me: Nah, Nah, Nah, Nah - LIFE GOES ON. And as you can imagine, I have way to much HAPPY going on in my life to waste my time belly aching about the negative in my life (i.e., my father). Ray and I are doing great as partners and as parents. We have fun both with Grayson and without him, which is vital to a partnership being successful. And Grayson, well, what can I say?! He’s the cutest, smartest, happiest, most fun little boy in this entire world. He’s now 8 ½ months old. He’s the number one reason for all of our outings. We’re always going to Target for diapers and formula and to the outlet mall (or wherever) to buy him new clothing because he has outgrown what he has! Life is busy, but it is so wonderful. Oh and Gray is teething right now – BIG TIME! He has 3 teeth working on him. That means he’s growing fast! Despite how much pain I know he’s in and the fever he’s had for a few days (averaging about 101), he’s been in the best spirits. He’s a tough guy. Because he’s been feeling bad, he’s been kinda quiet and to himself. It hurts to see him that way. But no matter how bad he feels, he gives his dad, me, and his reflection smiles throughout the day. And when he’s feeling real rotten, we do little things he enjoys like tickling him, dancing with him, letting him run his fingers through his dad’s hair, running the lint roller across his chest, etc! :) The weather is finally getting cool in Dallas! We’re so excited! Grayson has already been taken on several afternoon strolls around the neighborhood. We all loved it! And of course, cooler weather means fall is really here. Fun holidays like Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas are fast approaching! They will all be firsts for G this year! So, they’ll be extra special! As I’ve said from Day 1, Ray and I have been family since we married in 2001. But earlier this year, our family became something he and I couldn’t have made alone. Our boy, Grayson Koa, is the most magical wonderful little being who amazes us, teaches us, makes us smile continually, and enlarges and overflows our hearts with love. I look to the branch above me and see a mess, and then I look below me at a primo little being. I guess that kinda makes me a little of both huh? ;) I’m okay with that. :) It’s just such a daylight and dark difference from what’s above me to what’s below me on my family tree. What a difference a generation can make.