then and now...

Over the years, I’ve heard so many people talk about how they were blindsided by their parents’ decision to divorce. My case is exactly the opposite. I not only knew my parents would divorce in a matter of time – I wished for it. And actually, it should’ve happened many, many years before it did. My parents definitely had good times, as all couples do. And there were some good family times too. But I will say that the bad far outweighed the good.

My mom really wanted to make her marriage work and tried so hard to keep her family together. Honestly, I don’t know how she was so devoted to this cause when my dad destroyed her dreams time and time again. She was stronger than strong – a super woman I would say. I know she was afraid of what my dad could do if she were to leave him. He could provide her no financial assistance toward raising me and other horrible things. At that time, my dad could be such a cruel person. So, I have no doubt he would’ve done many hurtful things to her and/or me. Otherwise, I know she truly wanted things to work. She loved my dad, loved me, and wanted us to stay together.

My dad was pretty much an impossible person to be married to and to live with. He was a very selfish person who wanted to have a family (a wife and a daughter) but wanted to continue living as a single guy would (controlling all finances, having the say on everything, coming and going as he pleased, having his someone care for his child round the clock, etc). He was very aware of the fact that he was very lucky to have my mom by his side. I heard him say it many times. But sometimes 5 minutes after he said it, he was mistreating my mom again. He did the same thing to me. One minute he was telling someone else how wonderful I am (smart, beautiful, etc); but when they would walk out the door, I suddenly became his daughter who just wasn’t ever good enough. For whatever reason, my dad thought my mom and I would always be there. He thought we’d be there because he led us to believe we couldn’t function without him – we’d never have friends, we’d never have enough money to live, no one would ever love us the way he did, etc. And as sad as it is, he had us both convinced of that for years. Yes, that is what you call mind games.

Finally, halfway through my senior year of high school (what fine timing huh?!), my parents separated. Well, to be more specific, my mom and dad decided to separate and my dad gave us a few days to be out of our house. What my mom and I got out of the house when my dad wasn’t home was all we got to take with us – a few towels, a few blankets, our clothes, and that is about it. As a teenager (who wasn’t aware of how much money it took to live), I was very afraid. So, I can only imagine how scared my mom was. She had to find a way to live and finish raising her daughter on her own. Without much help from my dad, my mom and I survived thanks to her hard work, the help of nice people, and a few little lucky breaks along the way that were probably rewards from “up above” for making it out of hell.

And here we are 11 years later! I’m so proud to say how wonderful each of my parents is doing. My dad even talks about what huge mistakes he made. He knows he can’t change the past, but I know he wishes he could. He is very sorry for the kind of person he was, has worked very hard to make changes, and has been very successful. I’m very proud of him. And I can honestly say I forgive him, when I never thought I’d be able to. Both my mom and my dad learned a lot from their marriage to each other, have become better and stronger individuals, and have entered THE DATING SCENE!

I have listened to the details of my friends dating experiences and my coworkers dating experiences…but I never thought I’d hear the details of my parents’ dating experiences. Not everyone knows what it is like to have parents who are single and dating. Their parents have been together since they were in high school and will not be apart until they die. That is great. I hope and plan on that being mine and Ray’s case. Having Ray as my husband (and Grayson being my son, and other obvious things) is one of the few constants I don’t get bored with. :)

I used to feel so alone in the world as a child of parents who date, but as the years passed, I found out there are many people in the same boat as me. It can be a little awkward at times because for whatever reason, I thought both of my parents would be partnered by now. And it can be a little stressful because I think they make it much more complicated than what it is (as many singles do). I won’t say I’m an expert at dating because I’m not. I HATED dating. I just got lucky by finding Ray and tricked him into marrying me as soon as I could! ;) And it can be a little aggravating too because I want my parents to put themselves out there more or not settle for someone that I feel isn’t good enough for them. Both my mom and my dad are good looking, intelligent, fun, good natured people who need someone who is also all those things. But as weird as it might sound, I find my parents dating kinda fun too!

First of all, I will say that neither or my parents have been in a real serious relationship. It just wasn’t the right time, the right place, or the right person. I’m so glad neither my mom nor my dad has married anyone they’ve dated in the past! I would have hated my “step” with a passion. Both my mom and my dad say they know what they’re looking for in a partner (just as most single people do), but sometimes I wonder if they really know. Personally, I think they won’t know until they stumble across it. My dad has finally learned to keep his eyes open rather than seeking out love. My mom has finally learned she has to be more open-minded and give people half a chance. Guys have shown interest in my mom over the years – from guys she worked with to guys who give her free services (such as oil changes and cell phones) as they give her big smiles and make google eyes at her – and she never has considered giving them a chance.

Anyway, I always find it funny to listen to my mom tell me why she isn’t interested in a guy who showed interest in her. She says a lot, but the answer ends up being somewhere along the lines, “I don’t know…I’m just not interested”. I tried not to buck her too much because no one knows who she likes better than her. And it is just as funny listening to my dad say why he isn’t interested in a particular woman. Either it comes down to “I don’t know…I’m just not interested” (like my mom) or he can’t get past something physical about her (i.e., a large honker – nose, that is!). I understand what he’s saying because if you aren’t attracted to someone physically, you’ll never get anywhere. But at the same time, hearing him say those things cracks me up! And when I do meet a person he’s dating, I wonder why he chose her. I think, “My god! This woman is ugly/annoying/ stupid/whatever! Bring on the b***** with the big nose!” :)

Bottom line: I’m very hard on who my parents date. When it comes down to it, it is them who needs to like that person. They should choose who they feel is best for them – no matter what anyone thinks. But at the same time, I feel that I can see things they can’t…and as you probably assumed, I point them out! :) My mom and my dad are completely different people. And they aren’t even the same kind of people they were when they met or when they were married. They’ve both changed so much – mostly for the good. ;) They are my mom and my dad. They are far from perfect (as we all are), but they are good people. And they deserve to be with someone equally as good. I don’t think either of them need a ring on their finger, but I sure hope they are able to find someone they enjoy spending their days and nights with for a good long while. They both have a lot to offer a boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/whatever. They deserve the kind of love that my dad has recently learned to give and that my mom was always an expert at giving. :)

Good luck to all the single middle-aged men and women out there…may the best win the ultimate prizes – my mom and my dad!