speechless

I talked to my dad tonight and was left absolutely speechless.

He is coming to meet Grayson this weekend. About a month or so ago, I decided to let him come. And because things had been going so well with my dad, I actually began to look forward to it. But tonight, that has changed.

There isn’t any need to go into details. It would take forever for me to explain the whole situation, and once I did, it might not even make sense anyway. What it boils down to is my dad disappointing me yet again. I realize his actions are a result of his issues. But unfortunately, having that knowledge does not spare me from disappointment, sadness, and confusion.

I could go on and on about how I feel right now, but I think it would be best if I didn’t. I’ll just wrap it up by saying that just like everyone else in this world, I know what it is like to want something really bad. A teenager really wants her driver’s license. Somewhere there is a guy who wants nothing more than a date with the tall brunette in his Psychology class. When I was in junior high, I wanted permission from my parents to go to a New Kids on the Block concert. And there are some who just want to win the lottery. They say it would make all their problems go away. My point is that some wishes are realistic and some are unrealistic…and what might seem realistic to me, might sound completely unrealistic to someone else. My life isn’t perfect, and that’s okay. I could always use more time and money, but I don’t know anyone that would claim they have enough of either. At almost 30 years old, I am very happy. I have so many things to be thankful for. One thing I do wish I had though is a happy, healthy, and fulfilling relationship with my dad. Is my wish realistic or unrealistic? Honestly, I can’t decide…I go back and forth with that one. I just know it is one of those things I want really bad. I want it so bad I'd give my right arm. I think the pain from cutting it off would more bearable than the heartache I experience. And even though it would be very difficult, I could learn to live with a disability. I've had 28 years to figure out how to live without a dad...and I'm sad to say I continue to fail.